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1989 / Horror
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Directed by Andrew Jordan
Written by Barry J. Gillis and Andrew Jordan
Starring Barry J. Gillis, Amber Lynn, Bruce Roach, Doug Bunston and Jan W. Pachul

An impotent husband, driven by a fanatical desire to father children, forces his wife to undergo a dangerous experiment. The result: the birth of a multitude of monstrous things.

The following tags are associated with this movie: Creature
Things (1989)
Review by Michael Mahoney

4 / 10
I have never, in my life, seen such an inept mess.

Really, I'm not entirely sure what to say about this one. The story, such as it was, seems incomplete. And in fact, so does the movie as a whole. Amber Lynn (who is best known for various roles in adult movies) literally just reads her dialogue off cue cards as a newscaster, adding literally nothing to the movie. Some of the dialogue is dubbed after the fact, which is painfully obvious. The lighting, the dialogue, the everything, it's a mess.

The one thing this Canadian flick sort of gets right is the gore. Oh, most of the time, it was the blood of insect things (origins never really explained), but there was a scene of a guy being tortured (that had zero relevance to the plot, I'll add) that was decent, and a guy lost some fingers. The gore wasn't necessarily amazing, partially because the camera-work was so shoddy, but it still stood out in what otherwise was an atrocity of a film.

Honestly, though, this movie possesses some charm to it - the gore is, as I said, moderately solid, and while everything else fails (from the post-sync dubbing, to the lighting, acting, story, and any other element you could think to name), sitting back with some friends and watching this movie play out would be a hoot. Watching it alone? It might change you, but not really for the better.

Things is pretty much an inept, illogical mess. Some scenes don't make any sense, there's no context to some of the story, and everything seems pretty disjointed (at times, this felt like The Suckling, but most of the time, Things defies comparison), which the post-dubbing doesn't help with at all. Can Things be enjoyable in the right situation? Sure. But is it a film that I'm clamoring to see again? Oh God, no.
Things (1989)
Review by Alex Martel

10 / 10
Incomprehensible and incompetent by most standards, Things is one of the worst movies ever released.

At the same time, I feel like it is a work of love and genuine attempt at making art by somebody who had knowledge and appreciation for horror. Does Things fail on every level? Possibly.

It's an absolute must watch for any fan of bad movies and will prove to be a test for your patience and your sanity.
Other Creature movies that you may enjoy

Predator (1987)

Baby Blood (1990)

Earth vs. the Spider (1958)

Rogue (2007)
More releases from 1989 for you to check out

Kickboxer (1989)

Batman (1989)

The Penthouse (1989)

Offerings (1989)

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